Understanding the Symmetry of Q is not really of any value…
Though this may be so, it is perhaps a wonderful contrivance to fool your friends for hours — or simply amuse your pets.
The essence of this dogma is conditionally centred on your ability to cerebrally mutate into a being that projects on a much higher level than the one you may be used to at this point in time.
This is not as difficult as it sounds — but first you will need a few items to help you attain this ethereal “posture of mind”.
I have prepared a list of such items as follows:
A suitably bruised fish - preferably having previously been subjected to some form of humiliation. If this has not occurred, humiliate it now and then put it in the fridge.
Next, you will need a packet of pre-sucked Tic Tacs with the label carefully removed and covered generously in Spam Grease.
Finally, you will want to find a quiet place in the house and then make it not so quiet. It is important that the room you choose was already in a state of tranquillity before you got there. To make this room not so quiet, you will also require approximately 50 metres of scaffolding, two Doberman Pincers and a Garry Glitter recording.
Method…
The first step is to make sure that your fish is properly prepared. After humiliating it, you will need to do the following:
Note: It is assumed that your fish is bruised, humiliated and quite dead…
1. Prepare a small bowl (approx 5000g) of crushed Sinequan (you can get this from any severely depressed person in your family).
2. Next, place the bowl inside a pot (filled with boiling water) and leave for about 3 years — gradually reducing the temperature.
3. While the Sinequan is boiling, get married, have children, get divorced, attempt suicide and place the fish close to your work area. If possible, manage a small business on the side.
4. When the Sinequan has turned a lightish brownish blue/purplish kind of yellowy crimson type puce - you are ready for the next step.
5. Take your fish, carefully, either by the lateral or dorsal fin and give it a quick shake. Tell it you will be back in a minute and leave it next to your bowl of Sinequan while you spend four weeks on a tour of the Greek Islands. Come home and apologise to your fish and then hit it across the face with a wet tea-towel. Please do not omit this step!!
6.While you were away, the fish has sneakily come to life ( as they do) and has eaten your “Sinequan fusion”. You are now in a position to complete your enlightenment.
7. Go to “the room” with your fish securely attached to the fleshy tip of your left ear and the greased label from your Tic Tac packet placed somewhere around your thigh area. Discard the Tic Tac packet thoughtfully.
8. Your Dobermans will instantly be attracted to the label on your thigh. Don't let them near it just yet, tell them to sit while you assemble the scaffold. Explain to them that you are conducting an important experiment (so that they do not become anxious) and then throw them the fish. Assemble the scaffold and put on the Garry Glitter recording. Play this very, very loudly and sing along with it — omitting some of the words to the better known bits. This is important because otherwise you will have to leave the room and induce vomiting. If you find yourself in this position, a quick wiff of your grandmother's undies will be a great emetic.
9. Attach the now very dead dobermans to opposing sides of the scaffold. If they are not dead, the medication in the fish was obviously effective and your dogs are no longer suffering from Unipolar Affective Disorder (depression for the layman). Kill them anyway because this is the symmetrical bit.
10. Soon you will feel a compelling, almost seductive urge to climb the scaffold. Toy with it for a while. Concentrate on the Glitter prose until the urge is no more than a subliminal rhythmic pulse stimulating your Limbic System.
11. Now it is time. Carefully remove the greased Tic Tac label from your thigh and place it in a position where you can see it at all times. Climb the scaffold and alternate from side to side until you reach the top. Once you have reached the top, it is time ...... Well it's the top really, but we'll call it TIME ... or we could call it Distal Convoluted Tubule... Mmm, TIME is better...
12. Cough up the largest phlegm ball you can muster and fasion it into a small tea set. Keep an eye on the greased Tic Tac label. OK, practice serving tea to friends, being careful not to offend any of them. Never tell them thay are drinking from your phlegm, this often fucks things up.
13. Climb down from the scaffolding, spin the dogs, clean up the room and move to another suburb. Select play from the SOUND menu. Trash this file. Curse me for wasting your time.
